Preparing myself for a mental breakdown.

So if you’ve read any of my posts, you’ll know the extent of abuse I went through at my father’s house. Not going to touch on that again.

So I’m traveling to my home state tomorrow. And we are seeing my dad. (Sometimes I question why I still see him.) Normally we go out somewhere for dinner before we head back. Well instead of going out, we are going to his house. The house where everything happened. The house where everything was taken from me.

I have already packed my anxiety medication. But I know its going to be a stressful day. It smells the same. It looks the same. Everything is the same. I know he still visits there. All of my memories are going to come back. Again. As if thinking about it all from a distance for the past few weeks wasn’t enough… Now I get to go watch it like a movie…. I get to remember it all in detail.

Be prepared for a lovely long post Sunday night or Monday morning.

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Dreaming of freedom

She lays her head on the window sill. Her head pressed against the cold glass. She watches as the rain hits the ground below. The sky seems so gloomy. The grey in the sky reminds her off how she feels. But why is the sky gloomy? It’s free. It has the freedom to cry, and everyone rejoices when it does. It’s free to make its own decisions.

She peels her face from the window and wipes the fog away with the torn up sleeve of her black hoodie. She looks down at the rags her sweatshirt has become. Why does everything in her life have to fall apart? Why can’t she have one thing that stays together? It’s not just a hoodie. It’s her security blanket. It’s her safe place. When she’s in it, she feels invisible to the world. Which is exactly where she wants to be. She’s free from judgement. Free from whispers. Free from social interaction.

The sound of her phone ringing snaps her back to reality. She reaches down in hopes of an invite to go out, even though she doesn’t want to and will probably cancel anyways. She just wants to feel important. The screen reads Mom… in all reality the best friend she has.

She places her head back on the window and wraps a blanket around her. Just between a few clusters of clouds, she sees a rainbow. A reminder that in the darkness there is always a glimmer of hope, a reason to smile. Nothing proves it better than a rainbow.

There’s always a reason to smile. Sometimes we have to distract ourselves and before we can see the beauty in the rain.

Self hate and self destruction…

I guess this is another thing that falls under “abuse side effects”.

Now, I’m not talking about physical destruction, although this can include self harm.

I was told by someone that in trying to end the cycle of abuse, that I have decided to hurt myself instead of the people around me. Which makes sense. And how I do it is… absurd.

When I make friends or have any type of relationship I tend to sabotage it. In silly little ways. I do stupid shit. And mainly because I don’t think I am good enough. I will never be good enough. I will never be smart enough. I will never be thin enough or pretty enough. I will never be enough.

My thought process is completely and entirely screwed up. I know this. I realize it. I know it’s insane and completely backwards. Here’s the thought process.

Step 1. Avoid letting people get too close. Because the pain of losing someone, whether it’s a romantic relationship or a friendship of any kind is almost unbearable.

Step 2. Panic. Just panic. If said person has gotten through the walls, now is the time to panic. How did they do it? How did I possibly let them in? Especially after I tried so hard not to. Do they realize how damaged and broken I am? Do they realize how truly complicated a relationship with me is? Panic. Because eventually they will leave.

Step 3. Panic some more. You question everything they do. Why are they doing it? What is the meaning behind it? Do they have some kind of weird motive? Are they stringing me along just to make the end that much more painful? Is their sole purpose to hurt me and break me more than I’m already broken?

Step 4. Doubt them. Doubt everything they say. Obviously because I’m not good enough… why would someone willingly spend their time on me? They have to be up to something.

Step 5. Operation Sabotage. In any form possible… I will hurt them. Make them walk away on my terms. I will hurt them before they have a chance to hurt me. In my attempt to not get hurt, I hurt myself in the worst ways possible. Which leads back to my self destruction.
Step 6. Wallow in sorrow. Alone. With my nose in a book. Refusing to acknowledge the outside world. Living in a world of fiction and freedom. You can’t get hurt if you don’t talk to anyone right?

Now, I know exactly what I do, and why I do it. The issue is stopping. The issue is accepting love. The issue is accepting the fact that someone loves me. And loves all of my pieces. They love me for who I am, and that won’t change. The issue is trying not to push people away. The issue is realizing that not everyone in my life is here to hurt me.

The issue is accepting people’s love and care. The issue is… that I don’t know how! I’m learning. But I don’t know how.

So for those I’ve hurt, or pushed away, I’m sorry. I’m trying. I’m trying to accept you. I’m trying to love you and let you love me. It’s harder than it seems.

I’m trying to end my self hate and my self destruction. I just need you to be strong and hold on for a few. I’m trying.

Edit: I am watching The Perks Of Being A Wallflower, and one quote that really stands out to me is “we accept the love we think we deserve”. That right there says everything. I don’t think I deserve happiness or love. I didn’t do anything wrong to feel this way. I just feel like everyone would be happier without me. They’d all be better off without the disaster and emotional roller-coaster that is me.

I believe in signs.

So I’m supposed to be traveling about 800mi total this weekend.

First my dog got ahold of one of those packets of stuff that keeps things dry. Ya know the stuff, the stuff that can kill pets.

Then… he did it again.

Then… my crown on my tooth fell out. Just… fell out.

Then… my little one got sick.

All in the course of 3 days. Something in the universe doesn’t want me to go. Something is trying to keep me from leaving. I believe in signs. And there’s been a LOT. But, I’m stubborn and will probably go anyways. Because it’s Batman’s birthday!

Do you believe in signs? I sure as hell do…

Well, I did it.

I have been off and on antidepressants for (what seems like) my whole life. After sitting down and writing my story, I fell into a hole. Not even reading could get me out, which is a big freaking deal. Anyways, I had about a month of pills left so I called my doctor and asked if she was okay with me starting them again.

So last night I started my meds again. I decided to have fun with it and set the alarm ringtones to the mental health hotline ringtone. Probably just me being twisted but I am amused by it.

Hopefully soon I’ll be able to dug out of my hole. I hate being here. I hate feeling so sad.

What the f%&k just happened?

So I took a shower before bed like I always do. And my hair is getting long… Which sent me into a major mental breakdown. Who the fuck has mental breakdowns over the length of hair? Me.

I remembered when my hair was long before I cut it. I was close to 70lbs lighter. I was 5 sizes smaller. I was a completely different person back then. And it sent me into this insane whirlwind of emotion. I miss feeling beautiful. I miss curling my hair and BEING beautiful.

Now I take regular showers. I feel my hair every day. I don’t know what happened. It was like something in me snapped. I’ve been feeling the breakdown coming. But the I never imagined it would be because of my hair. I’ve never felt beautiful. I always felt like the ugly duck, but when my hair was long, it made me feel beautiful it made me feel like I had at least one thing that was pretty about me. I cut my hair because my grandma had to shave her head because of chemo. I cut about 14 inches off of my hair the day she shaved her head. I don’t regret my decision. I just feel like short hair became who I was. and I don’t want to be that person anymore. I want to be beautiful. I want to lose the weight that I gained. I want to feel beautiful again. People always say “oh you’re so beautiful” but the truth is, those words mean absolutely nothing if you don’t feel it yourself.

I really don’t know why I had such a bad breakdown over hair. So stupid. I guess that goes with my previous statements as being an emotional rollercoaster. It’s not fun. It’s not enjoyable. And most of the time I don’t even know how it happened. When I told my best friend that I had a mental breakdown over my hair being long, her first response was “please tell me you didn’t cut it.” and what’s funny about that is, that’s totally something I would do. When I get in these moods it’s easier to just make the problem go away as soon as possible. So if my hair is causing the problem, if the length of my hair is causing the problem, why not just cut it off?

I’m not really even sure if there’s a point to this blog I just thought it was pretty ridiculous how upset I got about my hair being long. I guess it’s not really my hair being long it’s just the memories I had when my hair was long. When I used to curl it and when I used to do it and make it look nice. for the longest time I’ve had such short hair that I haven’t been able to do anything with it.

Anyways, that’s my story of my mental breakdown about my hair being long. What the f*** just happened?

I am a book snob.

I am a book snob. And I am not ashamed in the least.

Now, before I get started, let me tell you this. I am an e-books hoarder. (If you like free and discounted Kindle books sign up here.) Nothing is better than a free book. Unless it’s paper. I’d much rather a book I can hold and touch. But, I can not curb my e-e-books hoarding.

I love books. I love stories. I love the images in my head when I read. I love that I can escape my reality and find myself in a completely different world. I love how I can become a different person for a while and not live the life I do. It gives me a chance to be normal.

Now, that being said, I will read just about anything as long as it hooks me. Twilight was not a good series. I didn’t enjoy it. AT ALL. I love Paranormal Romance, but that series was horrible. I love (and don’t judge me) mild erotica sections in my books. Love it. It keeps me intrigued. However, things like 50 Shades of Grey is not on that list. That was nothing more than a literary nightmare.

Every once in a while I’ll come across a free book, and I’ll start reading it. A lot of the time it’s clear to see why it’s free. I find spelling errors, grammar errors, run on sentences,  you name it. That is when I will delete the book and never look at it again. If you are going to take the time to write and publish a book, please take the time to have someone edit it. Even if it’s a friend or parent. Have SOMEONE read over it. I can not handle noticeable errors while reading a book.

I ordered a used book from Amazon last year. I just pulled it out of my box so I could continue reading the series I’m reading, and I was horrified. The entire cover is torn and coming off, there is highlighter all over the pages, there’s pink pen and (help me) doodles. DOODLES. I don’t know why I became so frantic after seeing this disaster of a book. I ended up writing an email to the seller and explained the situation. I tried to be as nice as possible, but I was honestly freaking out. They emailed me this morning and apologized for the condition the book was in and will be sending a replacement. Huge. Relief.

I don’t know why I am such a snob when it comes to reading. I know I’m not the best in the world when it comes to sentence structure and all of that. But when someone doesn’t know the difference between “their” “there” and words like that, I have a huge issue!

There really wasn’t any point to this post. But I am a book snob. And I’m proud of it.

Irrational Fears.

So I was thinking the other day about some of my biggest fears.

I can’t get my face wet in the shower without completely freaking out.

I hate driving. Again… I freak out.

I have become a helicopter mom from hell. “No G, don’t walk through the legos, you’ll get hurt!” If anything happened to my kid, I’d lose my mind.

I’m scared of losing people in my life. All people. Even if they treat me like crap.

There are things I’m scared of for no reason. And most of them are so out there that I feel like I’m literally insane. I don’t leave my house unless it’s necessary. And it makes no sense!

I am so sick and tired of being scared of everything. So I have decided that I am at war with fear. I will no longer allow myself to be controlled by my fears.

I am stronger than my fears.

Soul Mates. (Not what you are thinking)

When most people hear the term “soul mate” they automatically think a boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse or significant other. In a lot of cases that’s not what someone’s soul mate is.

For me, my soul mate is my best friend.

Now I have had a lot of “besties”. I have had ones that are literally psychotic, I have had ones that used me. I have had ones that just completely forgot I existed. I have had ones that got mad at me for stupid shit and never spoke to me again. Looking back, I realize these were not “best friends” they weren’t even friends.

Nothing compares to the feeling you get when someone literally drops everything to talk to you on the phone for two hours. Nothing compares to the feeling you get when you are crying and they understand every word you say. Nothing compares to the feeling you get when someone understands everything you tell them.

My best friend is more important to me than some of my blood. We’ve gotten to the point where everything we say has some kind of inside joke to it. We have the strangest sense of humor and it matches perfectly. She’s the reason I’m still kicking. Mainly because she’s always had my back. No matter what. No questions asked. She’s spied on me to make sure I didn’t get kidnapped. She has gone out of her way to make me feel better in so many situations.

I honestly can’t imagine my life without her. She is the most incredible person. She has such a beautiful and giving heart. She’s tough when she has to be, but in a gentle way. She can say things like “you stupid slut” and it’s not in the least offensive.

We are so much alike it’s ridiculous. Just an example. I bought those cinnamon gummy bears yesterday, she had bought some the day before. We had no idea.

We have never, not once, gotten in a fight. I think it’s because we’re the same person. We joke about it all the time, how we’re the same person. We’ve made jokes about selling our kidneys to buy a farm. Her response (since I get very frequent kidney stones) was “no one wants your broken ass kidneys”.

Not only has she always been there for me emotionally, she’s been there physically. When I was in my “let’s go to the bar” phase, she was always there making sure nothing bad happened.

We were talking the other day and she said we are like a Yin Yang. I bring crazy to her life and she brings calm to mine. If I hasn’t had her in my crazy stages, I would have made a lot more bad decisions. I have no doubt about it. This one time at the bar, I was dancing with an Oompa Loompa and she decided it was time for me to go home. Another night, I had way too much to drink and I grabbed a big mixing bowl, just in case I threw up. Her crazy ass took my house keys, locked up the house and went to Walmart. Just to buy me a trash can. She bought me a light blue and beautiful trash can. Just because I didn’t have one.

There have been so many things we have done together and most people would lock us up for it because they think we’re just plain insane.

For Christmas 2014, I had two necklaces made. Her and I have adapted the names Batman and Robin. She is my Batman.

I told her I was shipping the box and what day/time it would be there. While I lied to my best friend for 3 months, I was planning the biggest surprise ever. I had planned with her mom, and everything was set. So December 24th comes and I remember being 15 minutes away from her house and so excited I could barely breathe.

When her mom got me from the door, I walked in the living room where she was sitting on the floor wrapping Christmas gifts. I held a box (with Batman wrapping paper) in front of my face. She looked up, looked back down and realized it was me.

I think this was by far the greatest gift I could have gotten for Christmas. The excitement was incredible. I cried because I had my bestie back. We live in different states, so getting time in person is tough.

We had dinner and went to look at Christmas lights. Not nearly enough time.

She is my soul sister, my best friend, my Shadow Ninja, my strip club partner, my long random walks to Village Inn partner, and my soul mate. I can’t imagine life without this girl (or her family).

She was there for moral support for my sister’s going away party when she moved.

Batman, my life wouldn’t be complete if you weren’t in it. I am so blessed to have such an amazing best friend. This next few months is going to be hard. And I am so so glad I have you by my side to help me fight my demons and to help clean up the messes. I am so happy you love my son like you do. I am so happy he loves you! We are both so very blessed.

Thank you for everything you’ve done and everything you’re prepared to do. You are truly my life saver. I love you whore.

The side effects of abuse.

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Now that I have my mind together after writing this morning, I’m going to write some more. A lot comes from abuse. Mental scars, physical scars, and social issues.

1. Anxiety.

My biggest problem is anxiety. I have problems being in crowds. I have problems with any kind of confrontation. I get major panic attacks for no reason. I feel it in my stomach. It starts tightening up like the muscles are squeezing me. Then my heart starts beating so hard and fast that it feels like it will literally jump out of my chest. I can’t breathe. My whole body is tense and I can’t move. Everything around me gets so big, and I feel small and insignificant. I feel scared and alone. I am currently on an as needed medication for my anxiety. Writing my story threw me into a panic attack. I’m better now. I’m trying to figure out how to cope with the attacks without medication. One step at a time.

2. Depression.
Nothing is worse than wanting to crawl in a hole and be away from the world. The amount of depression I’ve felt in the last 15 years is pretty insane. I have scars on my arms… I remember just wanting to lay down and die. Death seemed to be the only way to get through the pain. There was so much emotional pain. Pain from what I went through yes. But mostly pain from the abandonment I faced. Not only did I lose my dad, I lost my entire family on my dad’s side. I lost grandparents, cousins, everyone. (And then pushed away the family I had on my mom’s side. Makes sense doesn’t it?) Nothing makes sense when you are depressed. You walk around wondering why the fuck the stupid sky decided to be blue. It should be black. Everything should be black. Nothing should be happy. Nothing makes you happy. I’ve been on my fair share of antidepressants. No shame in it. At all.

3. Trust issues.
When I say trust issues this can go both ways and I do both of them. Which is so entirely confusing. So issue #1 is not trusting anyone. You sit there and wonder when the are going to hurt you. Any and all friendships are too good to be true. Eventually they will stab you in the back. Everyone is going to hurt you… And then there’s issue #2. Trusting to much and entirely. I deal with the abandonment crap a lot. So when people come into my life and begin a friendship I give it my all. I throw myself in the deep end. Then end up getting hurt. Both have their flaws. Both have their good points. I have yet to figure out how to combine the two.

4. Anger.
Now when I say anger, I don’t mean like stabbing people with a pencil because they looked at me. My anger is usually pretty silent because I hate confrontation. But man I get mad at the stupidest shit. I can’t stand the sound of people breathing. Not because I want them dead… But because they are making noises doing something that should be silent and it just makes me mad. Things like making a mess somewhere I cleaned or…….. actually no one really knows what may set me off.

5. I’m an emotional roller coaster.
I’m a time bomb most of the time. Little things can make me mad. Little things can make me cry. Like Kleenex commercials or coffee commercials. It’s exhausting. Seriously exhausting.

I am a mess. I have always been a mess. But I’m less of a mess today than I was yesterday. I’m more of a mess than I’ll be tomorrow. I’m slowly figuring out how to deal with things. Sooner or later I’ll be a normal person. Hopefully. But until then, the great people I have in my life well continue to support me and deal with my crazy outbursts. And I couldn’t be more grateful.