Now that I have my mind together after writing this morning, I’m going to write some more. A lot comes from abuse. Mental scars, physical scars, and social issues.
My biggest problem is anxiety. I have problems being in crowds. I have problems with any kind of confrontation. I get major panic attacks for no reason. I feel it in my stomach. It starts tightening up like the muscles are squeezing me. Then my heart starts beating so hard and fast that it feels like it will literally jump out of my chest. I can’t breathe. My whole body is tense and I can’t move. Everything around me gets so big, and I feel small and insignificant. I feel scared and alone. I am currently on an as needed medication for my anxiety. Writing my story threw me into a panic attack. I’m better now. I’m trying to figure out how to cope with the attacks without medication. One step at a time.
Nothing is worse than wanting to crawl in a hole and be away from the world. The amount of depression I’ve felt in the last 15 years is pretty insane. I have scars on my arms… I remember just wanting to lay down and die. Death seemed to be the only way to get through the pain. There was so much emotional pain. Pain from what I went through yes. But mostly pain from the abandonment I faced. Not only did I lose my dad, I lost my entire family on my dad’s side. I lost grandparents, cousins, everyone. (And then pushed away the family I had on my mom’s side. Makes sense doesn’t it?) Nothing makes sense when you are depressed. You walk around wondering why the fuck the stupid sky decided to be blue. It should be black. Everything should be black. Nothing should be happy. Nothing makes you happy. I’ve been on my fair share of antidepressants. No shame in it. At all.
3. Trust issues.
When I say trust issues this can go both ways and I do both of them. Which is so entirely confusing. So issue #1 is not trusting anyone. You sit there and wonder when the are going to hurt you. Any and all friendships are too good to be true. Eventually they will stab you in the back. Everyone is going to hurt you… And then there’s issue #2. Trusting to much and entirely. I deal with the abandonment crap a lot. So when people come into my life and begin a friendship I give it my all. I throw myself in the deep end. Then end up getting hurt. Both have their flaws. Both have their good points. I have yet to figure out how to combine the two.
Now when I say anger, I don’t mean like stabbing people with a pencil because they looked at me. My anger is usually pretty silent because I hate confrontation. But man I get mad at the stupidest shit. I can’t stand the sound of people breathing. Not because I want them dead… But because they are making noises doing something that should be silent and it just makes me mad. Things like making a mess somewhere I cleaned or…….. actually no one really knows what may set me off.
5. I’m an emotional roller coaster.
I’m a time bomb most of the time. Little things can make me mad. Little things can make me cry. Like Kleenex commercials or coffee commercials. It’s exhausting. Seriously exhausting.
I am a mess. I have always been a mess. But I’m less of a mess today than I was yesterday. I’m more of a mess than I’ll be tomorrow. I’m slowly figuring out how to deal with things. Sooner or later I’ll be a normal person. Hopefully. But until then, the great people I have in my life well continue to support me and deal with my crazy outbursts. And I couldn’t be more grateful.