I guess this is another thing that falls under “abuse side effects”.
Now, I’m not talking about physical destruction, although this can include self harm.
I was told by someone that in trying to end the cycle of abuse, that I have decided to hurt myself instead of the people around me. Which makes sense. And how I do it is… absurd.
When I make friends or have any type of relationship I tend to sabotage it. In silly little ways. I do stupid shit. And mainly because I don’t think I am good enough. I will never be good enough. I will never be smart enough. I will never be thin enough or pretty enough. I will never be enough.
My thought process is completely and entirely screwed up. I know this. I realize it. I know it’s insane and completely backwards. Here’s the thought process.
Step 1. Avoid letting people get too close. Because the pain of losing someone, whether it’s a romantic relationship or a friendship of any kind is almost unbearable.
Step 2. Panic. Just panic. If said person has gotten through the walls, now is the time to panic. How did they do it? How did I possibly let them in? Especially after I tried so hard not to. Do they realize how damaged and broken I am? Do they realize how truly complicated a relationship with me is? Panic. Because eventually they will leave.
Step 3. Panic some more. You question everything they do. Why are they doing it? What is the meaning behind it? Do they have some kind of weird motive? Are they stringing me along just to make the end that much more painful? Is their sole purpose to hurt me and break me more than I’m already broken?
Step 4. Doubt them. Doubt everything they say. Obviously because I’m not good enough… why would someone willingly spend their time on me? They have to be up to something.
Step 5. Operation Sabotage. In any form possible… I will hurt them. Make them walk away on my terms. I will hurt them before they have a chance to hurt me. In my attempt to not get hurt, I hurt myself in the worst ways possible. Which leads back to my self destruction.
Step 6. Wallow in sorrow. Alone. With my nose in a book. Refusing to acknowledge the outside world. Living in a world of fiction and freedom. You can’t get hurt if you don’t talk to anyone right?
Now, I know exactly what I do, and why I do it. The issue is stopping. The issue is accepting love. The issue is accepting the fact that someone loves me. And loves all of my pieces. They love me for who I am, and that won’t change. The issue is trying not to push people away. The issue is realizing that not everyone in my life is here to hurt me.
The issue is accepting people’s love and care. The issue is… that I don’t know how! I’m learning. But I don’t know how.
So for those I’ve hurt, or pushed away, I’m sorry. I’m trying. I’m trying to accept you. I’m trying to love you and let you love me. It’s harder than it seems.
I’m trying to end my self hate and my self destruction. I just need you to be strong and hold on for a few. I’m trying.
Edit: I am watching The Perks Of Being A Wallflower, and one quote that really stands out to me is “we accept the love we think we deserve”. That right there says everything. I don’t think I deserve happiness or love. I didn’t do anything wrong to feel this way. I just feel like everyone would be happier without me. They’d all be better off without the disaster and emotional roller-coaster that is me.