Well, the title really says it all, but I feel I need to go into detail.
I miss me. I miss who I was when I was single. I miss laughing. I miss being happy. I miss my friends. I miss my family.
I. Miss. Me.
I lay here and think about when I supported myself in my own apartment with my son and I miss that. I miss having my own money. I miss having my own rules. I miss not having to answer to anyone.
I miss how it felt to wake up smiling. To fall asleep smiling. I never had my anxiety this badly. I wasn’t depressed and on medication. I miss sitting on the floor of my kitchen with a fork and my best friends cheesecake.
People kept telling me “lose some weight, you’ll be happier” I lost 50lbs. And I still lay here crying.
People kept saying “get some exercise, you’ll feel better…” I can hardly get out of bed anymore. I just don’t want to function at all. I miss how it felt to wake up to the alarm and be ready for the day.
I miss having my own space. Here, it feels like there’s a constant rain cloud over my head and It’s so suffocating. I can’t breathe. All I feel is pressure on my lungs. Which causes anxiety issues.
I’m so tired of crying and feeling like my whole world is fucked up beyond repair….
I wish I could breathe again. Really take a deep breath and actually breathe. I feel so weighed down by all the bull shit.
I miss the happy me who danced around in underwear painting my kitchen. I miss the girl who was truly able to smile. And I wonder if I will ever find her again. Lord knows how much I miss that. How I miss my happiness.
I miss me.