It’s been a while since I’ve written. So I’m writing an update of sorts.
Well, I went to my dad’s house (where all of my abuse happened) and thank God he had alcohol. I think that’s the only thing that kept me from completely losing my mind. It’s hard to smell the same smells and see the same things. It’s hard to match everything up with memories of things that happened. It’s painful.
That is honestly the last thing on my mind. As if depression and anxiety weren’t enough… they found lumps in my breasts. I am currently waiting for the results from my mammogram. My grandmother was diagnosed in 2012 with breast cancer. So I’m pretty fucking worried at this point. It makes my anxiety so much worse.
Right now… my heart is beating slowly and way too fast at the same time. Every muscle in my body is tensed up and it’s hard to breathe… I hurt mentally and it’s making me hurt physically. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. My body is so flooded with anxiety that I can’t eat. Because everything makes me sick. I have been forcing Gatorade down my throat to stay hydrated.
But honestly… I’m done fighting right now. I’m done trying to get up every day and trying to fight more fucking battles. I’m done putting pills in my system. I’m just so tired. I’m tired of the constant battle that is my health. Both mental and physical health. I’m so tired. It takes so much energy and I just don’t have it. I don’t have it anymore. I feel like I don’t have any fight left in me.
My kidneys are also acting up which doesn’t help. I’m on another medication for that. And what’s shitty is… none of it is stuff I can control. None of it is my fault. It just happened. My body just decided to shut down and not work right…
I’m so freaking done. I’m so tired. I just want to be healthy and happy. That’s all I want.