My Sweet Son,

Words can not begin to describe how much I love you. My world would be so incomplete if you were not here. You are the reason I wake up in the mornings. You are the reason I go to bed exhausted every night.

I know sometimes it doesn’t feel like I love you. Sometimes I get upset when you touch me. I know sometimes I get upset when you sit too close, and it’s not because I don’t love you. Sometimes I just can’t handle it. Sometimes I just can’t handle you being so close.

It’s not fair to you. I know that. And I am so sorry. I wish I knew how to hug you and hold you without freaking out. I wish I knew how to fix this. You are 5 years old, and I’ve barely hugged you or kissed you.

I feel like a terrible mother. No mother should be this disconnected from their child. No mother should push her child away when they try to hug her. No mother should put her arms out to avoid contact. I feel like I’m failing you.

You have such a sweet and loving heart and I am so sorry I deny you hugs and kisses. You truly are my world. My light. My life.

I am working on it and I promise I will get better. I don’t know if you will hate me later in life for this. You always tell me that I love the dog more than I love you. This is not true. I’d give my last breath for you. I haven’t even been able to handle the dog near me. I don’t understand why. And I’m trying.

I love you so much my sweet son. And I promise I will fix this.