Sometimes I look at my life and see all of the things I could have, would have, should have done better. I should have graduated. I should have concentrated on school. I should have made something of myself.
Then maybe I wouldn’t be here right now… Maybe right now I’d be married and have a good job and amazing children. Maybe I’d have a car that didn’t rattle. Maybe I’d be smiling. Maybe I wouldn’t feel like every part of my heart is out of place. Maybe…
Maybe I wouldn’t have my son. My best friend, my sweet boy… My world. Maybe I wouldn’t feel like my ex husband tore my life to shreds. Maybe I wouldn’t regret the life him and I shared.
I haven’t written because I’ve been going through a whirlwind of bull shit… another terrible break up with the same guy that tore my heart out 4 years ago. Another lost home. Another move. More pain and drama. After 11 years… I think we are really done. I have good days and bad ones.
Since I have moved home to be with my family, I have stopped taking antidepressants. I have stopped taking anxiety meds. I’ve stopped taking everything. I feel pretty good for the most part.
I suppose that may not be true. I feel empty. I feel like a black hole. I feel like everything I worked so hard for exploded again. After I tried so hard to make him happy. I tried so hard to just make him love me.
He never loved me. Not like I should have been loved. He isn’t capable of love. I’m sure of it. He thinks this time I’m going to lay down and let him walk all over me. He is sadly mistaken. I’m no longer weak. I’m no longer going to allow him to break me. I’m stronger than that and I will fight this.
My future holds custody battles and court dates. My future holds tears and stress. But… I got this. I’m not going to fall like I did before.